oh, and...

...I should add that she left, along with me, both my kids, Emily (who will be 20 next month) and Jonathan (who she did this to three days before his fifteenth birthday). I don't know why I'm not just emailing you. Maybe because on this page I can't be sure if you're really reading this or not...and I don't want to disturb your life. I'm just terribly hurt and you are someone I share a past with, no matter how convoluted we were or how many mistakes we made. I guess all I'm saying is that, should you read this and feel okay with it, it would be nice to hear from you at some point. Peace.

the becoming

So, now I am apparently a single man. Tracy left me last Friday to go live with a male-to-female transsexual. No, this isn't a sick joke, unless it's one being played on me by the universe. This song is just about how I feel right now.



the becoming



i beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me
i'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
that me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away
i can try to get away but i've strapped myself in
i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
i can see it killing away all of my bad parts
i don't want to listen but it's all too clear
hiding backwards inside of me i feel so unafraid
annie, hold a little tighter i might just slip away

it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCxz-d7jQwU

american girl

well, she was an american girl
raised on the promises
she couldn't help thinkin'
that there was a little more to life somewhere else
after all it was a great big world
with lots of places to run to
and if she had to die tryin'
she had one little promise she was gonna keep

oh yeah, all right
take it easy, baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl

well it was kind of cold that night,
she stood alone on her balcony
yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,
out on 441 like waves crashin' on the beach
and for one desperate moment there
he crept back in her memory
god it's so painful when something that's so close
is still so far out of reach

oh yeah, all right
take it easy, baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXkblbJqwn0

surprises

don't get excited
don't say a word
nobody noticed
nothing was heard
it was committed discreetly
it was handled so neatly
and it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know

break all the records
burn the cassettes
i'd be lying if i told you
that i had no regrets
there were so many mistakes
and what a difference it makes
but still it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know
i said it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know

don't look now but you have changed
your best friends wouldn't tell you

now it's apparent
now it's a fact
so marshal your forces
for another attack
you were so young and naive
i know it's hard to believe
but now it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know
no it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know

what has it cost you
what have you won
the sins of the fathers
are the sins of the sons
it was always within you
it will always continue
but it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know
i said it shouldn't surprise you at all
you know...



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HEs3MhhwnU

happy

Happy Valentine's day. And happy belated birthday. I haven't forgot.

Santa Monica

I am still living with your ghost
lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a new place
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
go and try and shake away this disease


We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die


I am still dreaming of your face
hungry and hollow for all the things you took away


I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore


I'll walk right out into a brand new day
insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy


I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone


We can live beside the ocean
leave the fire behind
swim out past the breakers
watch the world die